Tuesday, May 6, 2008

An anniversary

Dear dad,

It has been ten years today since that awful day when you died. Ten years? That seems so totally unfathomable to me. So much has happened to our family in ten years that if you popped in today, I fear you would hardly recognize us. I am so sad that you will never meet Taylor and Jordan. They are amazing little creatures, even when Jordan is shrieking and Taylor is awake so much at night. You would have loved them and you would have been such a great "Grampy." I truly feel my kids are missing out by not having you in their lives.

Thank you for being such a great parent to me and for teaching me how to be a parent. If I can manage to be half the parent you were to me, Jordan and Taylor will be lucky little devils.

I miss you every day and I still cry when I think of you and all the things you have not and will not get to be a part of in this world. Some days I am mad at you for never quitting smoking. You were so healthy in other areas of your life. How could you keep smoking and killing yourself slowly, so that you left us when you were only 49 years old? I forgive you and I know you were addicted to the smoking, but it just sucks so much. And it hurts that you are gone.

We have a cardinal that visits us daily and I started calling him "Bill." Is it you or maybe your spirit? The bird seems so intent on getting our attention by flying into the windows and sitting right outside on the branches. The bird is always around and seems to be watching over us. Oh, and the bird is a cardinal and you were a red head. Dad, is it you? I really want it to be you, watching over us.

It has been a long ten years in some ways. I can't believe I have not seen you in ten years. I miss your funny sayings (Ba-ding, Ba-dang, That's not even a little bit funny, Six of one, Half dozen of another) and I miss your jokes and I miss talking about Seinfeld with you.

I love you, dad. And I miss you like we just lost you yesterday. Peek in on us on Saturday, if you are not too busy. It's the twins' birthday party that day and I would love for you to be there.

Love always,


Blondie said...

That's beautiful, Chris. I know anniversaries are hard, T just had the 16 year one of her mom's passing. I'm sure his spirit is in your beautiful babes. He'd be very proud of you!

Jude said...

Sending hugs.

LKC said...

I'm crying. Hugs.

Nikki said...

What a beautiful dedication to your dad. Thinking of you and sending hugs and love.


Anonymous said...

Beautiful, Chris...beautiful. And, my guess?? That cardinal is Bill Parker!!! Love, Susan

Anonymous said...

Wow---that is really hard. I feel certain your dad is watching over you and those babies. I didn't know my dad at all but I had one hell of a grandpa and I miss him all the time (also a non-stop smoker!!). I see things all the time and know he is with me. Thanks for sharing this Chris. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love.